Sunday, August 14, 2011

Domino’s Pizza

UHpinions Exclusive


This is a story of why dating bipolar girls is not a good idea and how the Domino’s Pizza tracker saved my life

I have always been on the fence when it comes to Pizza Hut Vs. Dominos. I don’t eat enough pizza from either to really have a concrete answer of which one makes a better pie. I can tell you one solid truth… As my last relationship ended and the lies, scandals and deceptions came out, after all was said and done, my psycho ex girlfriend did teach me one VERY important thing:

ALWAYS choose Domino’s over pizza hut.

I had been having trouble with my now EX-girlfriend for quite awhile, I won’t go into details, but let’s just say she went crazy. I thought, simple: I’ll just break it off.

Wrong.

One Friday night, around 8:00pm, after a long week of work and incessant phone calls/psychotic voicemails from the unbalanced EX, I decided I was going to stay in, which one any weekend night is abnormal for me. Usually on weekend nights that I am in, I usually am cool with a movie, a 6 pack and a pizza. I had been ordering from Pizza Hut the last few times, but after a constant bombardment with Domino’s “WE’VE CHANGED OUR SHIT, I SWEAR WE’RE AWESOME NOW” ad campaign, I decided to give it a shot.

Around 8pm, I went online to order my pizza. I built a modest 2 topping medium pizza, and placed my order. You have to love how far we have come in the delivery pizza world.

Immediately afterwards, I was introduced to the piece of a software that would save my neck.

The Pizza Tracker.

Pizza tracker? Fuck yeah, the pizza tracker. If you don’t know what the pizza tracker is, then get your ass online right now and order a pizza from Domino’s. It’s the equivalent of a loading bar on a web browser, except at the end of the loading you get a delicious pizza.

This is where the night got interesting.

I am on my couch, one eye on “Parks and Rec” the other on the pizza tracker displayed on my lap top that joined me on the couch.

We had just entered stage 2: Prep.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

For a split second I thought, “woh that was fast,” I put my order in 10 minutes ago and pizza tracker says it’s still in stage 2.

By the end of my thought, the door swung open.

Guess who.

Yep, it was my psychotic EX. Knife in hand, she starts threatening to do some pretty awful things. I try to stand up, she freaks. I stay on the couch and attempt to calm her down. She goes into a hysterical rant about us getting back together, ya right, and I glance at the pizza tracker.

Stage 3. Bake (Juan is putting your order in the oven)

She goes on while all I can think is GO JUAN GO!!!! GET THAT SHIT IN THE OVEN!

I try to calm her down, I stand up and she freaks out and tells me “SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!”

She continues on her violet outburst and I tell her we can work things out hoping to get her to calm down. It’s no use.

I decide I need to try and get to my phone. I inconspicuously try to look for my cell phone. Dammit! I left it my room. I am screwed. I am dead. The pizza man will get blamed for this! Oh, the poor pizza boy will be wrongfully blamed and get life in prison for what this unstable bitch is going to do to me.

STAGE 4! BOX!

FUCK YEAH! They are boxing up my pizza. Get your ass over here!

She continues on for another 5 minutes. Trying to make eye contact, glancing at the pizza tracker every second she looks away.

Stage 5! DELIVERY: Alejandro is delivering your pizza.

GOD SPEED ALEJENDRO!!! MY LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM RELY ON THIS!

Knowing that the Alejandro is on the way, I try and just keep her talking, but the more she talks the more enraged she gets. I try to interupt, but that just makes things worse.

It’s been 10 minutes, Alejandro should be here any time.

She continues, she is yelling at the top of her lungs about the things we could have been. I am still banking that Alejandro will be here any second and save the day.

10 more minutes go by.
Alejandro GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!

SHE IS OFFICIALLY FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. She puts the knife up to her wrist and then takes it away. I am panicking. Where the fuck is Alejandro! Pizza tracker tells me we’re still in stage 5. FUCK YOU PIZZA TRACKER , YOU’VE BEEN IN STAGE 5 FOR 25 MINUTES!!!! I will never order from Domino’s again!!! After this thought I immediately think to myself, I will be dead, so I will probably never order another pizza again.

Right then, the cops come in. At gunpoint they calm her down and obtain the knife. Alejandro had shown up to the door wide open and saw psycho with the knife and went back to his ’98 Honda Accord and called the cops. Domino’s pizza literally saved my life. They should change the name from the pizza tracker to the savior tracker.

Alejandro is the true definition of a hero. In a way, Alejandro is the 5th ninja turtle. He showed up, accessed the situation, didn’t panic, and saved my ass from the bad guys. Oh yeah, and he brought a fucking excellent pizza too.

Review by UHpinionist Mark H.

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  1. That’s the best thing I’ve read all day. Seriously, Alejandro needs a raise.

  2. This made my day. I LOL’d. I will be ordering from them now.

  3. Hahahahaha! That was the best shit ever!!

  4. 5th ninja turtle…. classic.

  5. *wipes tear out of eye* hahahaha

  6. How much did you tip Alejandro?

  7. I love this so much!!! Dominos is already my favorite, now I can love them even more; I too, sincerely hope Alejandro got a DAMN good raise and a mention on the evening news!! What a great review, go Alejandro!!

  8. Big A. both accessed AND assessed the sitchy.

  9. did any of you people think (as I did) that this is a bunch of made up bullshit?

  10. Too Much Free Time

    Maybe it is made up, I don’t know, but it’s one hell of a good story.

    If it’s true, my sympathies on the crazy ex. Been there, except she was talking about offing herself. Don’t know why, I’m not worth it.

  11. Oh my goodness!!! This is the craziest but best story ever good god how’d you end up with such a psycho?! Thank g for alejandro….is that where lady gags got her inspiration for that song??

  12. Tommy I too believe this is bs..

  13. Yeah Alejandro, Domino’s still sucks balls, but good job.

  14. @Tommy & @Alicia … seems far fetched to me too!

  15. Do you people say the same thing when you read James Patterson or Tom Clancy? “This is all made up bullshit.” Um, yeah it is….and a pretty good story.

  16. Tom clancys books isn’t real?

  17. Are some of you guys seriously retarded? Of course it’s not a true story. Funny as hell though.

  18. Now that is FUNNY! Of course it’s probably not true, but had me laughing anyway!

  19. @TooMuchFreeTime

    You psycho/attention-seeker. No relationship should result in knife-wielding threats.

    Knives should only be used to cut up a Dominos Meteor with extra cheese.

  20. I just cried a little bit. AWESOME! LOL!!!

  21. Nothing like a bunch of killjoys to ruin the party. “omg so fake”… yeah, what if it is? It’s funny and it’s a great story – and there’s a slight chance, just a SLIGHT chance that there’s some truth to it which would be awesome.

    I bet you mother fuckers go to magic shows and shout “THE RABBIT WAS ALREADY IN THE HAT”… go get a sense of humour or GTFO.

  22. Thank you Percy!

  23. I am thinking you cant make that stuff up!

  24. If you believe this story you are dumber then the guy who had that girl for a girlfriend. Funny as shit though!

  25. If you believe that story you are dumber than the guy who had that girl for a girlfriend. Funny as shit though!

  26. this is why you don’t date chics that are bipolar!

  27. If this is made up, it’s epic. If it’s true, it’s epically epic — and I hope he gave Alejandro a whopper of a tip!

  28. This is the next commercial they will be using ~ use pizza tracker , or die ~

    where is he ordering pizza , Mexico ? Juan / Alejandro ? Where is George and Jeff ?

  29. “This is a story of why dating bipolar girls is not a good idea”. Are you people fucking serious, posting this kind of stigmatising bullshit? After I saw this in the first line I skimmed the rest of the story to see what kind of ignorance and prejudice this site considers entertainment, and sorry to say but for being so obviously a second rate advert for Dominos (“UHpinions exclusive” should say “advertisement feature” as is customary in publications with standards) the conclusion of the story was obvious from the point you saw the picture about the tracker … I mean if you’re going to attempt to sell some products at least generate a story to accompany your advertisement that couldn’t be written more competently than an 8 year old. Idiots

  30. Nothing can be posted on the internet without someone yelling ‘fake’ at it. Sure this could be made up, or parts exaggerated, but there’s nothing in the story that defies plausibility. Not when you got 9-1-1 recordings of cats calling 9-1-1 during house fires out there.

  31. I certainly hope you tipped Alejandro 200%.

  32. You can tell that Dan has a little wiener and he is looking to air his grievances at any outlet.

  33. ^ no shit.

  34. Way to go in not at all addressing what I just said you dumb shits.

  35. otherpersonnotrlydanhonest

    ^ no shit

  36. I’d suck on that for sure!

  37. I’d suck on that!

  38. Hey everyone!

    Just to clarify: every user can submit their own posts for UHpinions like Mark did with this entry. It is definitely NOT a sponsored post (if it was, it would be clearly marked as such).

    As far as bipolar chicks go, I’ve dated one and they’re a handful, to say the least. Thing is, you can’t take this stuff too seriously – everyone gets a razz around here. Everyone is entitled to their UHpinion.

    Thanks so much for coming by – and feel free to write up your own crazy reviews! Just click the submit button at the top of the site!

    -Josh

  39. IDGAF! This story is suspense filled and action packed. I was kinda hoping that Alejandro would come in and wrestle around with the knife wielding ex in a battle that would leave them both on the floor fighting and rolling around as they both groan at the same time keeping us on the edge of our seats as to who took the knife to the chest. I think Pizza Hut would’ve done that.

  40. To have a go at someone because of an illness they have is pretty low, and the fact that you’re singling out people with bipolar is rather unfortunate to say the least. I don’t see you ripping on people with cancer or others who are disabled through blindness or cerebral palsy.

    Won’t be coming back to this site. Was already scraping the barrel visiting Lamebook after Failblog and Collegehumor were exhausted.

  41. @random

    You’re totally right! Until they’ve made fun of every psychological issue in the DSM and every virus and disease afflicting mankind, they shouldn’t make fun of ANYONE.

    pull the broomstick out of your uptight asses. it is what it IS. And it’s funny.

  42. ^ +

  43. You fucking better have left an amazing tip.

  44. que pedazo de mierda no me dio un buen consejo. that piece of shit did not give me a good tip

  45. *assessed

  46. Was the pizza still warm? :P

  47. herp derp i leave my front door unlocked so anybody can walk in

  48. So how is your crazy girlfriend doing? Hope she is back on her meds, sounds like she needs some help.

    http://www.real-privacy.au.tc

  49. violent*

  50. Domino’s pizza sucks balls

  51. I highly doubt your girlfriend would have killed you even if she had made a move on you you probably would have gotten away

  52. You need to find that guy’s contact number and thank him personally. Took a lot of courage for him to do what he did and as you said, potentially saved your life.

  53. @Random (not random with the Lowercase r)
    Let me just reiterate what dan and random said earlier. The first line of this story is a great representation of the ignorance with which mentally ill people in this country are treated.

    If this story had started with “This is a story of why dating autistic girls is not a good idea…” or “This is a story of why dating retarded girls is not a good idea…” even Josh, the site shill, would have seen very clearly the ignorance it contains. Hell not long ago it would have been completely socially acceptable to begin your article “This is a story of why dating nigger girls is not a good idea…” but with a little more time we’ve seen how pathetic this sort of statement is. I don’t know if Josh, or his fore-bearers would have seen that sort of thing as a simple “razz” or not, but I’ll do him the favor and not speculate on such things.

    This certainly is someone’s “UHHHHHHHpinion” and worthy of the monosyllabic grunt with which it’s spelled, but I don’t think that makes it an opinion that is worth the representation of your site defending. You may disagree. To see it posted is absurd enough, to see it defended is downright disgusting.

    3!LL

  54. I work at a Domino’s Pizza store. I just printed this story out and put it on our bulletin board.

  55. Decent story… Alejandro is a hero…. BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF PUSSY ARE YOU? A man OR WOMAN come at you with a knife, you knock them the f-ck out.

  56. Hope you left him one hell of a tip dude! There’d be many another pizza boy that would pussy out and just drive off or do nothing.

  57. I hope you tipped him like a king!

  58. That is Borderline Personality Disorder, not Bipolar Personality Disorder.

    Huge difference.

  59. narwhal bacon narwhal bacon lol i reddit IMA NERD .AMA

  60. @ignatiusloyola

    The fact that Bipolar is associated with or represented as psychosis and as you said Borderline Personality Disorder shows the ignorance with which Dominoes Marketing Department is writing these days. But then again, from the ignorance in the responses here and on reddit, it may have worked for some people.

  61. OMG…. I Luv this story…. :) So glad you were saved from your crazy ex… I have been inadvertently saved from ex’s before, but never in such a fashion. Good luck to you, that your next ex won’t be so awful. <3

  62. haha. good shit

  63. Juan made my pizza once too, and it was excellent.

  64. I really don’t think this is funny at all. For one if it is true yeah what a scary experience for you but I feel more for the girlfriend she was obviously very sick. Had she not been bipolar maybe I wouldn’t have as much sympathy for her. But bipolar is a very serious mental illness. People with it often have psychotic episodes&when ur having a psychotic episode u don’t know what the fuck ur doing. & if it’s not true saying that kinda bullshit about people with a mental illness is just wrong. No wonder there’s so much stigma around mental illness. I know many people who have bipolar they aren’t psychos.

  65. Marketing has come a long way. I hope it keeps walking, passes through, and gets the hell off the Internet.

  66. Awww, something tells me a few guys in the comments here accidentally ended up dating/marrying bipolar girls. “They’re people too!” Sure. People who act like they took a bunch of ecstacy and Nyquil and are letting the two drugs battle it out in their bodies.

    Alcoholics are people too. Is dating one a good idea? HIV Positive girls are people too. Are you willing to go on a date with one? If not, that’s straight up ignorant of you, right?

  67. Woah. I love the Domino’s tracker, we’ve had it in Oz for a while, but I never thought it’d be a life saver.

  68. Dan, Random and William Dean Blankenship Jr, Thank you three for being the voices of reason.

    I have bi-polar disorder and am medicated and even in my WORST mood swings I have never assaulted another person, LET ALONE WITH A KNIFE!

    This story could have been just as funny as saying “issues” instead of naming a particular disease.

  69. Sorry, but I’m the fifth ninja turtle.

  70. “She continues on her violet outburst”

    I assume you meant violent, unless her outburst was a beautiful shade of purple.

    Other than that. Cool story bro

  71. I hope this is a marketing stunt from Domino’s because that would be AWESOME! Bravo on whoever made up this entertaining story. Some people take jokes waaaay too seriously. I mean really, don’t go on this site if you’re not looking for a laugh or if you easily get your feelings hurt by stereotypes. The world is full of harmless jokes like this so grow some slightly tougher skin or learn to live under a rock, PEACE!

  72. Pretty funny, but I call B.S. This guy just wants his name on the review in TimeSquare… well deserved, sir. (yay Alejandro)

  73. what were your two toppings?!? BACON AND TOMATOES?

  74. You should totally insert progressively completed Pizza Tracker gauges at appropriate points in the story.

  75. you know the pizza tracker is a lie right? They arn’t actually monitoring the making of the pizza. It’s estimated from average delivery time. You’d never know until your pizza is 30 mins late and you have to ring em to find out where it is. On the upside, i hope you gave him a tip.

  76. Im torn… i want to applaud this outstanding story but yet i keep scrolling down for more. Bravo!!!

  77. Alejandro deserves a raise for sure. A medal. And some loose, sane women to feed him pizza made by somebody other than Domino’s. Horrible stuff.

  78. @awesome u obviously don’t know anyone with a mental illness coz if u did u wouldn’t think it was funny&just a joke. It isn’t simply stereotyping either it’s offensive. I’d like to see how u would cope with having a mental illness or having a family member or friend who had one. Maybe then u would have some sympathy. I suppose you think making fun of people with physical disabilities is funny too? This story has just made a lot of people think people with bipolar are dangerous “psychos”. What’s even worse is that it seems like it’s just a Dominoes marketing tool which I admit is quite clever yet am disgusted they brought bipolar into it. It’s not even an essential part of the story. They could’ve written it emitting the bipolar stuff.

  79. When I go online and read an obviously fictional tale, I get bent out of shape when someone uses a derogatory term in a completely fictional setting! Get over yourselves. This is by no means a work of art, but stop being an overly sensitive douche.

  80. Woah kiddos, chill.
    Whether this story is true or false, who cares? It’s an awesome story. If Alejandro is real he deserves the biggest tip and the biggest raise.
    As for bipolar girls and dating them, some are seriously terrifying. They are a HUGE handful, and the poster is right.
    However, not ALL bipolar girls are psychotic like in the story. So chill, and if you have something bad to say then don’t even bother. Just because the author didn’t clarify that not everyone is psycho doesn’t mean that he thinks everyone is.

  81. FAKE AND GAY

  82. …which {on} any weekend night is abnormal for me.
    She continues on her viole{n}t outburst…

  83. Hi. Viral Marketing much?

  84. beautiful

  85. Alejandro needs to be f’in CEO of dominos

  86. Is this story true? If so can I be put in touch with the writer? I do some marketing for Dominos and I think this would make a great campaign…

  87. Chris, e-mail us at submit@uhpinions.com

  88. Maybe now you will learn to operate the locking mechanism on your door. They probably have some training classes you can take if you can’t figure it out on your own.

    It is never a good idea to just leave your front door unlocked, especially if you have a psycho ex.

  89. I’m amused at how many people have yelled “fake” at this story.

    Think about the best/worst thing that ever happened to you. Recount the details in your head. Would anyone believe it?

    I have at least 3 real life stories that no one would believe. I’m sure you do too.

    Is there a chance that this is fake? Of course. Its the internet. If it is, I want to read Mark’s next novel.
    If its real – which I feel it is – Mark is still a brilliant writer who took the time to write his own ‘unbelievable’ story.

  90. I have no idea if it’s real or fake but the part that seems off to me is he has a psycho ex and either his door wasn’t locked or she still had a key. So either he is an idiot for leaving the door unlocked when he has someone in his life who is unstable or he is an idiot because he didn’t change the locks so the ex couldn’t let herself in. The other aspect that makes me wonder and maybe it’s because of my martial arts background but with the assumption she is smaller than him, why would you fear for your life with her holding a knife that isn’t 2 inches from your throat? If I have a room between myself and her and all she has is a knife, I wouldn’t be afraid I was going to die.

  91. Some of you posters are getting waaaay too into the fact that, regardless of truth, this story is pretty much up here for sheer entertainment. A joke. Etc. As others have said, get some thicker skin. Words only have the power you give them, so get over it. This message brought to you by a psycho with BPD and a mom with Bipolar – If I can laugh at this, why teh heck can’t you guys? Eesh.

  92. For all the people yelling “fake” & coming to the aid of the bipolar, all I have to say is RELAX.

    STOP Making mountains out of molehills. I am positive that a good portion of the story is true (some of the best writers would be hard pressed to come up w/ something this funny, freaky & weird). I am ALSO positive that the purpose of this was neither to exploit or make fun of those w/ mental issues. I am in agreement that mental issues to not get the respect they deserve in this country, but that doesn’t mean they have to be the elephant in the room. Talking about them brings understanding, & humor is a great way to do so. Making a racial comparison by using the N-word (William) was NOT appropriate & really robbed that comment of a lot of credibility.

    But most important people, this is a FUNNY, EPIC & AWESOME story. These are hard times. For your own sakes & everyone elses, just fucking laugh or keep quiet. This might have really made someone’s whole day, cuz it sure as shit made mine. Props to Alejandro & Mark H.

  93. Too bad to tell the story you have to admit being cornered by raging pussy. Just shameful…

  94. Too bad the fake story has nothing to do with the tracker…

  95. For those of you who don’t seem to understand how the Pizza Tracker saved his life it’s pretty simple. He used the tracker to make calculated decisions on how he should act in the situation he was in. And this story is not fake…every single detail down to the “one eye on “Parks and Rec” the other on the pizza tracker” was completely true. Because…we all know humans can look in two directions at the same time, right? 

  96. Talk about bias against bi-polar people. It is this sort of story that adds to the stigma of a very treatable illness. People like these kinds of things too easily and don’t think of what they’re really doing.

  97. Who cares if it’s fake or real? It was funny regardless. This isn’t ithastoberealoryoucantpostit.com or anything – people can post wtf they want to.

  98. You, my friend, are to write my biography.

  99. Whether or not the story is true doesn’t matter at ALL, this is epic hilarity. And as for all the posturing about the ‘bipolar girls’ line, get over it! If he’d said ‘This is why you shouldn’t date tall girls’ no one would care – if you want bipolar people to be treated equally, then yes, sometimes they will be the butt of jokes. CRY MOAR.

  100. @John

    While I would bet my balls to a barn-dart this is fake,the truly reprehensible thing is that the association is made between “Bipolar” and “Psycho Ex” in a way that mocks the “psycho ex” and in turn mocks Bipolar sufferers when in actuality the symptoms displayed have nothing to do with Bipolar as much as Psychosis and Borderline Personality disorder. It shows the ignorance bleeding from Mr. Matt if nothing else, and the majority of replies show that it simply feeds the ignorance to mental illness in the society and the fuckwittedness with which it’s handled.

    On Reddit, where I found this story, some of the replies were literally and essentially “You should’ve let her slit her wrists, it would’ve cleaned up the gene pool.” I don’t know about you, but that brings to mind the Eugenics program which, IN AMERICA, sterilized Blacks, and mentally ill among others in the early 1900′s. As someone who suffers from Bipolar, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone who thinks this story is funny.

    And @Voice of Reason

    It was fucking appropriate, I made my point, I made it well and very clearly. If you WERE AT ALL familiar with the eugenics program, you might see that. Otherwise don’t try to single me out for being very clear and concise just because I used a “bad word” in a way that was not offensive, but used to highlight the ignorance with which this is written. If I really wanted to rob my comment of credibility, I would’ve told you to eat my asshole with jelly on it. Not syrup, Jelly.

    Hope my words fill your belly more than the crow you’re eating.

    3!LL

  101. Also, I don’t need to hide behind a screen name in order to make my point, no matter what people think of the vernacular with which I make it, eh @Voice of Reason, if that is your real name.

  102. I think the only thing that could be added to this conversation is that everyone should see the amazing, insightful, funny, and thought provoking documentary by the lovely Stephen Fry called “The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive.” You might learn something.

    Stephen Fry is also a fellow sufferer of the bliss and agony that is Bipolar disorder, and approaches it with the eloquence that only he could.

    Good day peeples.

  103. Cool astrotuf bro.

  104. I was diagnosed with bipolar manic depression when I was 15 and I still found this quite entertaining, you know why? because I accept the fact that there is a battle in our brains sometime that makes us react before we rationalize a situation. I ALSO accept the fact that there are meds and other methods to help control it, it’s not cancer or a terminal illness. I’m not gonna lie..I actually laughed my fucking ass off because it was put here for entertainment purposes. I get so sick and tired of people putting stigmas on things. How did a story about Domino’s and the pizza tracker and an ex turn into this big ass debate on whether it was fake or whether it was right or wrong to talk about someone with a mental illness? FYI..I can most certainly vouch I am not this guy’s ex. lol Let’s seriously focus on why we come to this site..to be entertained by crazy ass reviews, comments,etc. That is all.

  105. Everyone who works at Domino’s is Mexican? Juan? Alejandro?

    You’re obviously smarter than them, despite the fact that you laid pipe with a psycho bitch who later came to your door with a knife in her hand.

    Ok fake and gay. A work of fiction. So what, still the story line makes no sense.

  106. @ William Dean. Thank you for taking the time to post here and posting intelligent responses.

    To all the people saying to chill out and not take this kind of prejudiced, stigmatising, and ignorant marketing ploy seriously, feel free to undertake some discourse analysis of the representations of mental illness in the popular media sometime; the stigma reinforced by this kind of article is not randomly occurring and infrequent, it is systematic and widespread.

    In any event the article basically consists of a picture of the sponsoring company’s logo and a screengrab from its site, with a mishmash of swear words and derogatory slurs for padding. Any one with half a brain could see what the outcome was going to be from about three words in.

    Also, to the site admins who claim that this is not a marketing ploy: really? Even if you did not explicitly enter into a contract with the pizza firm to paste one of their oversized logos at the top of the page (I mean come on), did you look at the email of the submitter? It wasn’t MarkH@Dominos.com was it?

  107. Amateur geneticist

    If anyone says that people with bipolar or depression should kill themselves to clean up the gene pool, that is not really the best thing that could happen. Genetic homogenisation within a species eventually leads to extinction, that’s genetics 101.

  108. Amateur geneticist

    Also, to say that people with health problems we cannot yet deal with efficiently should die is as idiotic as saying that if you get an infected wound on your foot you should cut your whole leg off.

  109. the part that told me that this story is total BS is this statement: ” Oh yeah, and he brought a fucking excellent pizza too.” bullshit. the best part of dominos are their sandwiches.

  110. Good evening, Sir Mark H- Is there any way I could get your email address or something? I must ask you a question!

  111. I’m glad I’m not the only one here irritated by the irrelevant, insensitive reference to bipolar disorder in the story and in (some of) the comments. Thanks to the people here who have spoken out against stigma, and so articulately too.

  112. Wow this is the BEST thing I have EVER Read in My entire life :) hahahahaha Alejandro should Join the CIA! jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk

  113. the story line makes Perfect sense =) wowowow I’m still laughing hhahahhahahaahaha

  114. Anybody who thinks this is bullshit has never dated a true psychopath and probably lives a charmed life.

  115. ahahah good read brother

  116. Best story ever! =’D

  117. Could be fake, I suppose, but I don’t see why everyone assumes it is. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that I leave my house occasionally, and interact with other human beings, but I’m aware of many equally exciting stories that happen to be 100% true.

    If you assume that any story more interesting than “I went to the store today” is fake, perhaps you need to get a life.

  118. this is the funniest shit ever

  119. @Ian

    It’s OK buddy. It’s not fake. And when they drink Coca-Cola in movies, well that’s just cuz the actors like Coke. Don’t think about it. Just go watch some TV, jerk off when the Kardashians come on, and fall asleep in your Lazy-Boy. You deserve it.

  120. Is there no sensitivity towards mental illness anymore in this country?

  121. Seriously you guys? This is why we have to sit in 3 hour anti-discrimination seminars at work, just for the off chance that someone will get offended by your vacation pic in your cubicle where you and your hubby are in swimsuits…*rolls eyes*
    My best friend is bipolar, bad bipolar as well as a former drug addict, and I love her to death and am so blessed she is in my life.
    AND GUESS WHAT? I thought this story was hysterical! and you know what? SHE DID TOO!
    People need to understand that a story like this is meant to be humorous and if you really take offense to it then you really need to take a step back and assess your life because it will be a lot easier (not to mention more fun!) if you don’t take things so seriously.

  122. @Grow up people

    ACTUALLY, the reason you have to attend 3 hour seminars on sensitivity is because the company you work for gets money for putting those shows on.

    Every day I start my day listening to the Distorted View show. http://www.distortedview.com/ < Have a listen, see if you can make it through an entire episode. I've listened to every episode in his YEARS of archives. I've never found him offensive, even though most would. The difference is Timmy-Boo (what it do?!) Henson doesn't use his offensiveness to sell fucking Dominoes Pizza, but to entertain his loving Freaks. The difference is both subtle and as vast as the oceans.

    The difference is, The lovable careless fairy that is Timmy-Boo (what it do?!) Henson laughs at how offensive he is. The idea is approached, not because he's trying to backpedal after-the-fact, but because he knows exactly what and why he's doing what he does, to expose the worst of humanity in a humorous way in order to release the demon of shame from the people listening.

    This, however, is a thinly veiled advertisement, Bra. There's a difference.

  123. I really like this article, but I felt the need to comment because you are generalizing all bipolar people into undateable psycho monsters. Though your experience has convinced me that she in particular has a LOT of issues, I’d just like to share with everyone that I dated a perfectly lovely girl with bipolar disorder and I’m probably never going to love anyone as much as her for my whole life. We had an amazing relationship and I really don’t regret it at all. I’m sure there are many sides to this issue but what I want to say is that you are generalizing a large percent of the population and that reading the opening line would probably hurt some people’s feelings. It hurt mine.

    Anyhow, awesome story! Generalizations suck though.

  124. Are you guys seriously this stupid to believe the “reviews”? It was probably a joke that the guy wrote it as a review, learn to take a joke for once instead of try and dissect it like its a frog in your sophmore bio class.

  125. I’m positive this didn’t happen in real life, and it wasn’t particularly well written or entertaining.

  126. This story made my vagina comparable to a glistening waterfall.

  127. As someone with both personal and parapersonal experience of mental illness, looking to take up a career in psychiatry and having taken Finals on the subject, I can totally agree with the posters claiming that having dated a single person with mental illness they absolutely know what all bipolar type 1 sufferers are like. That’s why it’s so easy to treat them! Thank god lazy stigmatising incredibly offensive generalisations hit the mark so accurately, otherwise the PC brigade might take it the wrong way!

    In my spare time, I also like to pigeonhole the Jews, blacks, Eastern Europeans, working class and anyone who disagrees with me! Oh, and the people who work at Pizza Hut, those black Jewish slackers making inferior quality pizza. I say gas them all. Gas the crazies, gas the minorities and MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL gas Pizza Hut, lest we should BECOME LIKE THEM.

    Way to go, poster. Stick it to the stigmatised minority with a piece of crap punchline.

    dan, William Dean, random, et al, I’m grateful that there are still people out there who aren’t unbelievable ass-worshipping dunderheads. Site mods, I strongly recommend you remove that line.

  128. I Feel Like Commenting

    Okay, people…enough with the complaining about bipolar! I don’t like stereotyping either, but whining about how this story is ignorant is unnecessary. For heaven’s sake, it’s a review that was clearly just meant to be amusing. It doesn’t need to be analyzed for realness or sensitivity to mental issues!! I barely even noticed the reference to bipolar disease. And the world is more aware of mental illnesses than it has ever been. Don’t people have better things to do than type multi-paragraph arguments in this comment section?

  129. It’s pretty much confirmed that all bipolar chicks are the same.

  130. Wow, the internets are super serious business!

    Look, Alejandro would have gotten there at the same time and in the same manner, seen the same thing through the window, and have taken the same action if there were this pizza tracker or not at all. The author used this gimmicky pizza tracking thing to piggyback his story onto a timeline to make it more believable and entertaining, while at the same time making it currently relevant to popular culture. Can’t we just take it at face value as an entertaining and humorous story without taking up in arms about how he described his ex-girlfriend? We don’t even know if she was literally bi-polar, or if it was just how he chose to colorfully describe her?

    People are so dang sensitive nowadays. Put on your big girl panties, America won’t be restored by people who sit around all day and whine about being offended.

  131. I’m cracking up, both over the “review” and over the arrogantly self-righteous comments from the pro-bipolar group.
    The poster is great. You whiners need to stfu.

  132. This is a story about how Jews should be ritually killed!

    Flopsy went to the market and bought some cheese, but there was too much cheese to buy!!!?11! So she went home.

    Comments:
    HEY HATERS MAN IT’S A STORY ABOUT A RABBIT LIGHTEN UP PLUS ANTISEMITISM IS WIDESPREAD SO WE SHOULD JUST ACCEPT IT! PLUS I DATED A JEW ONCE AND SHE TOTALLY DESERVED TO DIE.

  133. This is awesome! The best story ever.

  134. This story is hilarious, true or false. Get over it and GO OUTSIDE

  135. Lmfao! My girlfriend is bi polar and this kinda shit happens to me everyday, it kind of makes life exciting in the sense that you never know how the day is going to end..I could go to fuckin Disney land with her and we’ll be happy and then outa no where she’ll flip a screw and Try stabbing me with a fuckin churro or slamming my face into the pirates boat. But the best part is it always ends with awesome bi polar sex …and trust me, you havmt had sex till uve done it with a bipolar chick.. Go crazy bipolar chicKS!

  136. I have a mental disorder, too. It’s called PTSD. I got diagnosed with it after I came back from killing babies, running over dogs, and raping brown people in the middle east. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

    But I still found this story hilarious. Stereotypes and generalizations always are! That’s what it was meant for – entertainment. You people are silly, with your intelligent arguments and your big words. What’s the matter? You’re fat, ugly, live in your mom’s basement with your pocket protectors, got bullied all throughout your school life, and got no friends, but prize yourself for your intellectual superiority over everyone else?

    “LOOK AT ME, I’M GOING TO TROLL UH-PINIONS AND LAMEBOOK AND PICK A FIGHT WITH THE PUNY MORTALS BECAUSE I ARE SMARTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE!”

    Silly Trix. Rabbits are for kids! If your ‘giney inches, use vagisil. If you’re an upright ass with Harry Potter’s broomstick up your bunghole and find people poking fun at other people offensive, go read a fucking book and masturbate to the thought of Ron (or whatever that Ginger kid’s name is) having a soul. If you hate people’s ignorance, go to the Wall Street Journal website and clean your fourth point of contact with your bidet while sipping Earl Grey tea from fine china with your pinkie up.

    Save yourself the heartache and go to a different website. Any other website. Do the whole world a favor and don’t come back to this site again. You might have a bipolar attack and go postal on everyone else. And we can’t have that. Lest you want me to come in and shoot a 7.62 right between your eyes ’cause you took people “insensitive” people hostage when your feelings got hurt.

  137. By the way, I’m watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with my nephew, and Mickey Mouse had to raise Minnie and Daisy over his shoulders so they can operate a giant pump. And he was totally looking up their skirts. Totally random, I know. But we live in a sick, twisted, fucked up world. It is what it is. You just have to laugh at it. You won’t survive if you make a big deal of everything you deem “wrong”.

  138. Hahaha, guys, what the hell?
    I’m BPD and have psychosis and I agree, this is more like something I’d do if my meds weren’t working- do you see me getting all up in arms over the people who were going “GAWD this isn’t bi-polar crazy, this is BPD psycho crazy!”? Chillax! Even us crazies have a sense of humour- we don’t actually need you white knights defending us, we’re perfectly capable of deciding what we want to read on the internet. I can assure you, if this were a post about psychosis, I would laugh and then move on. I’m sure anyone here with Bi-polar disorder did the same, or simply left the website if they were offended.
    Honestly, I’m amazed at the people who seem to think we’re fragile little flowers who need to be wrapped in wool batting for fear of our delicae feelings being crushed.

  139. Not everyone speaking for how shallow and asinine this story is is uptight, lefty, too sensitive, or needs to chill out. (Who was it that complained that I used the term “nigger girls” to make my point?) It appears to me however that most of the people who think that this story is entertaining are too dense to understand that fact, even though it’s been explained at length, eloquently, and with far more lively a language than the advertising drivel above.

    Now, if you don’t mind I just dug a grave for a big lovely dog who passed today and I’m really too tuckered to entertain this conversation anymore this evening. I’m going to drink a little strong beer and think about how much I love all you dirty cocksuckers, whether you agree with more or not.

    STAY BLACK BITCHES!

  140. @William Considering the fact that you seem to have such a huge heart for those w/ mental illnesses & that at no point in my comment did I address you inappropriately, it truly is a shame that you don’t have the decency or ability to show respect. Unless its in regards to mental issues. Still maintaining my own respect, people like you do just as much harm to the cause as the idiots that legitimately discriminate against them. Bipolar & other conditions can be treated, but w/o meds, some people really fly off the handle. I’d love to see you be that thoughtful & understanding if you were in a situation like in the story. Because I think ANYBODY that comes at me wielding a knife can be classified as psycho, at least at that moment.

  141. Ok seriously some of y’all just need to get laid. I have depression. That doesn’t give me the excuse to lay around all day in bed crying. No, I have to put on my big girl panties every morning and go to work! Just because someone has a mental illness, that does not give them carte blanch to behave however they would like.

    Furthermore, anyone behaving like a psycho deserves to be called a psycho, diagnosed mental illness or not. Assuming that this story is true, pointing out that she has bi-polar disorder is not discriminatory.

  142. @Voice of reason

    Luv ya sweetheart. Why don’t we get out of this shithole and go get a drink. On me.

    Oh and I love how MrsDo5′s stooped to “you guys need to get laid.” No more reasonable argument than that, eh? My wife would have a good laugh at that.

    Oh, did you think the crazy bipolar people’s couldn’t be involved in a relationship without stabbing someone. Little tip, crazy people are pretty damn great in bed. We do it all and leave it on the sheets.

    Rowr.

    3!LL

  143. I didn’t realize we alll came to a humorous website to take the things posted literally. I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar depression, and have attempted suicide before ( granted I was young, 16, and stupid, aka “in love” with a gf of 6 months), but I know this is a joke. I’d be pissed if something like this showed up on Yahoo to help advertise Dominio’s, that’s a whole different story. But come on, this is Uhpinions, not CNN.

  144. A lot of people would do well to remember the MST3K mantra.

  145. @Wow

    MST3K. One of my favorite shows. You placed absolutely no debate. You’ve added nothing. You’re few words add up to the pocket-change that’s slowly spilled into the couch cushion. In this conversation, you are like an ant trying to communicate to a god, and wondering why the only thing he wants to do is squish you. Read more. Learn more. Then come back with a string of words that actually makes you look like you know how to string words together, and don’t just fucking reference a classic TV show that you have no connection to the the creation or execution of. That’s fucking Family Guy. During one of the bad seasons when the writers were on strike. That’s what your words are, except they are not quite as entertaining to. Almost, but not quite.

  146. That. is. AWESOME. Dominos will get my order next time I want pizza

  147. @William

    I take it you don’t remember the mantra then: “It’s just a show, I should really just relax.”

    Or, in this case “It’s just the internet, I should really just relax.”

  148. Can we stop being mad about people slamming people with personality disorders? He’s not making fun of her or anyone else who is bipolar or has any other disorder. If the story’s true (and I get the feeling we all want it to be) it’s totally awesome and if it’s not true, well, he writes a better story in about four paragraphs than Stephenie Meyer wrote in four BOOKS.*

    *gratuitous Twilight/SMeyer slam.

    Thank you for wasting your time reading this and I hope you don’t find this at all “holier-than-thou”. I have a bad habit of being self-righteous. :P

  149. As someone who suffers from bipolar II, OCD, GAD, MDD, moderate schizophrenia, ADHD, anger issues and addiction problems and a slight case of being herded by pharmaco shepards and hypochondria; I must say I found this potentially fictional absolutely hilarious.

    If you’re offended, adjust your meds and quit bitching. Eat some prozac and chase it with your antipsychotic of choice, or maybe take a benzo and just chill.

    Mentally ill, cultures you don’t understand, fat/thin, races, stereotypes, the ill in general…these are all fine to make fun of; just dish it back and pick on someone elses insecurities.

  150. Thank god he drove a Honda, otherwise who knows what coulda happened.

  151. @wat

    Yes I knew the exact line of the opening theme song you were referring to. I’ve heard my wife sing every season’s version enough to know what season she’s watching lately.

    @riding_high,

    Apparently people think that people can’t be chill while having this intense a discussion. I’m listening to “Someone like you” by Adele, and about to smoke the last bud in my stash. My fingers are dancing on a keyboard, nothing more. From a fellow sufferer of agony and bliss, tip o the hat.

  152. Why can’t people just read this and have a laugh and move on. I just don’t understand the fucking loftiness in people attitudes that they have to find the offensive aspect to everything. I worked in McLean Psychiatric Hospital in Boston for a while on a Bipolar/Schizophrenia ward. These were some of the best people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and I can say without a doubt that the majority of them would laugh like hell at this story. Self-deprecation can be a wonderful tool for a person to cope with differences. I just don’t see the point in the reactions that are so obviously serious and lofty. Come down to the real world, have a laugh and love the people around you.

  153. Bill,
    After reading all of your shit, I am glad I don’t know you.

    You start as a crusader for the Bipolar community, then tell us you suffer, then get all flirty with others on the board, then talk about your sex life and leaving something on the sheets… You ended it all with a lions roar.

    Are you on your meds man? For real.

  154. I don’t really see what the tracker had to do with any of this. Delivery guy saved your ass, not a useless loading bar.

  155. What’s wrong with you people? Of COURSE it’s a fake story. It would’ve been on the news or something if it wasn’t. Plus, I’m so sure you’re paying attention to a Pizza Tracker while someone’s standing over you with a knife. Besides, don’t you have to hit ‘refresh’ for it to update? This guy has probably never had a girlfriend in his life. :/

    BTW, Domino’s pizza STILL tastes like shit.

  156. CApitalize atRanDOm. it makes your PIece LOOk professional

    “ALWAYS choose Domino

  157. GO DOMINOS! The delivery guys here in our town are the ones that busted a guy that was on the run for 2 weeks that had escaped from the cops! Took our pizza delivery boys to bust a criminal that the wonderful men in blue could not find! LOL!

  158. The one way I know this is bullshit is that Dominos would use this story as promotion
    “pizza tracker…it may just save your life” and while it is bullshit…it still made me chuckle. In reality this could actually happen and thats what kept me reading.